My husband was a huge music snob. Or nerd depending on how you looked at it. Or who you asked. Regardless, it was a huge part of who he was. As our lives became more and more entwined over the years, he organically took on the role of musical sherpa in our house. He found new music, created party playlists, chose appropriate music depending on the weather and was in charge of all musical related technology in this house. So then he died, and music is supposed to help you in times of emotional strife, and I realized through my grief stricken eyes…I didn’t know how to use Google Play (let alone what the fuck our password was) or how to make the stupid expensive wireless speakers we had work. I just wanted to cry my eyes out to some music and I couldn’t even get that right. Fuck. Such is the curse of a widow. You are struggling with big emotions, the loss of your partner and best friend AND you have to figure out day to day shit that usually your person handled Gah. Irritating to say the least. BUT also, after many fucks were given about so many new tasks, I’ve began to realize the beauty in that widow curse. Conquering stuff that wasn’t usually in your domain, while painful and frustrating during, generally results in feeling like you kick ass in so many ways. I never thought that taking the recycling out, putting up the outdoor Christmas lights or mastering the BBQ (haven’t done that yet, but hey…he’s going to be dead forever…I don’t need to slay everything in year one right?!) would make me feel so good!!
Conquering Google Play is one such achievement. Small and simple, yet such a huge step. In the last few months, I’ve figured out how to use it, disabled our old account (somewhat accidentally but that’s a whole other story lol), set up a new account, created a bunch of playlists and figured out to use BOTH the bluetooth speaker in the house AND the car. Most importantly, I’ve begun discovering music for me and all by myself. Of course, I’ve found a bunch of music Kevin introduced me to and added it to my music library. But I’ve found a bunch of stuff on my own, some of which I KNOW he’d hate and I love having a dance party for one to this stuff!
I recently discovered a song called “Glorious” by Macklemore (featuring Skylar Grey) and I can’t stop listening to it. Let’s call a spade a spade… I can’t stop listening to it and singing my heart out. It speaks to me so much. Kevin died last summer and I’m heartbroken that my best friend, my lover and my partner in life died. But here I am 11 months later….back at work and trying my best to kick ass at this widowed single working mom gig, I have a boyfriend who has awakened parts of me I didn’t know existed (he’s a pretty good kisser too….) and makes me believe love is possible again, I have a new career as a writer starting…..things are terrible and amazing all at one. It’s pretty glorious, in a weird way. This song sums up all those feelings….especially these words:
I feel glorious, glorious
Got a chance to start again
I was born for this, born for this
It’s who I am, how could I forget?
I made it through the darkest part of the night
And now I see the sunrise
Now I feel glorious, glorious
I feel glorious, glorious
Picture me and my broken, yet mending heart, singing away in my kitchen. I’m going to be okay. Grief isn’t going to keep me down. Kevin probably would have hated this song, but he would love my happiness.